It's funny how so many people try to prepare you for pregnancy and labour but not many people will talk about the difficulties and challenges once the baby is born. Maybe being in isolation doesn't help! But I feel as though I am not alone when I say that I have moments when I sit here and wonder who exactly I am now.
Before this special little one arrived I had some idea of who I was. I was a Claims Consultant, a traveler, a bookworm, a small business owner, a creator. There was time to be creative, take road trips, go out for dinner...and at the moment, leave the house! I was able to drink a hot coffee (not a luke warm one) and eat dinner with my husband rather than in shifts. I was able to stay up later than the baby's bedtime and watch a whole episode of Law & Order. haha. I had this sense of where my life was headed, dreams of traveling and road tripping and homemaking.
You don't realise, nor can anyone prepare you for all the feels you experience when you become a mother. Warm fuzzy feelings when they smile, frustration when they cry, extreme tiredness and sometimes moments of haze when you don't know what happened. It can be hard waking up sometimes knowing this little human completely depends on you. Through the endless days you find yourself with time to think, whether that is when the baby naps, or if you are feeding in the middle of the night, you are often left alone with your thoughts. I have to admit, it is a hurdle that you need to overcome. I have struggled with the concept of not having a minute just to myself when it's not about being a mum, a carer, a food provider, a rocking chair or a tired zombie. I don't get to finish an episode of Law & Order during dinner, open one of my many books I miss or enjoy a hot coffee in the morning when I wake up or even the luxury of a shower alone...! You can't just make the decision to go out, you need to think of all the things the baby needs while you are out, sterilise the bottles, have the formula ready, do you have diapers and wipes and have you timed your departure to coincide with feeding.
I think it was because of the big dreams of adventures, spontaneity and wonder that I have found it so hard to envision my world now so small, confined to the walls of the house in the same routine of eat, play, sleep, repeat. Yet, I see this smiling bundle of joy and realise, in a moment of clarity, that this little human's WHOLE world revolves around me. To her, this world is huge and scary and she needs me. Thoughts such as this is what keeps you going day in and day out. Even on the days where you feel as though everything is going wrong, this little human can only see a mum they love and that is all that matters.
My advice to expecting first time mums
If there was any advice I could give to an expecting first time mother is to take in all those precious moments to yourself. Live in the moment of dining with your partner, alone. Enjoy a bath with some Epsom salts. Go for that last adventure or road trip. Don't feel guilty for napping for an hour during the day. Binge watch that TV show. When you are pregnant you are faced with all this information about what might happen during labour, what to pack in your hospital bag, what you should be eating and drinking. Honestly, before your first born, to H-E-double hockey stick with all that. Just savour the moments because you don't have any idea of what you have coming haha.
That isn't to say that I don't love being a mum...it is such a blessing! There are many blessings that come with being a mum. The cuddles, the smiles, the laughter, the cute things they do and say each and every day. There is a deep connection on a whole other level. I was recently given an excerpt from Max Lucado's writings and it was a comfort. He questioned our unconditional love for our children, asking us why do we love our newborn? This little human has made us waddle like a duck, break out in pimples, brought us pain and yet as mums we kept her warm, kept her safe, kept her fed and yet did she say thank you? No. But we have this unconditional love. He asked the same question of God. How does He love his children when we have caused so much pain. How often do we thank him for all that He has done? Seldom. God has every reason to abandon us, yet He doesn't. It is the same unconditional love. While I may feel alone at times with this newborn, loving and caring for her, I know that I am not alone at all.
All in all, on the one hand, every day I wake up and there is this little soul staring and smiling at me saying 'thank you for taking care of me'. On the other hand, it is going to take some time to readjust to this new yet abundant life. That's just how it is and it should be talked about more.
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